I just expressed these sentiments in a few paragraphs that have now 'disappeared', but I will try to remember how it went (I am a run-on sentence addict, so my apologies):
I feel such a 'thunk' in the pit of my stomach when I come across anything related to Judaism these days, regardless of the fact that my own philosophical/theological curiosity and journey of clues and evidence have been leading my instinctual compass towards Israel for quite some time.
When my sister (who I have not seen in more than a decade) showed up at my house on Easter and arrogantly delivered that she is now ('strategically'...I know my sister very well and this was a protective, strategic decision that would coordinate well with everything she has participated in...there is a 'clean-up', CYA cover-up I have witnessed among MANY people involved that I feel is intended as secure protection set into place before the 'strike') Jewish and well-supported in this faith, in tandem with delivering the intentional 'shock' that she is claiming my experiences (according to her, several books are on the way), as stolen from my life, which has been professionally monitored without my permission, for years,
I immediately felt like the bullied, runt in the corner; a helpless and awkward feeling in the face of formative, familiar dominance taking it's usual, confident position. While she arrogantly directed the planned, inuendo-lead, picnic bench blitzkrieg that included deliberate phrases taken from various inpromptu 'speeches' that I have passionately rattled off in my bedroom and car (significant pieces of my personal journey), as well as actual 'personalized' experiences that have been 'raped' from me while I was set up to look like the 'copycat', with professional cover up, as part of an organized, hate-fueled (irony), long-term attack, lined with chronological lies, bribes and sub-terror that most people do not realize can be employed through private networks and modern technology, I discovered that the submissive runt that surfaced in me at that moment was only a therapeutic, fragile, phantom shell that reappeared for my own benefit; so I could feel myself break that mold in that very moment and climb out, evolved as confidence and love. I felt it.
The idea that Judaism would ironically protect and defend such 'atrocities' as have been taken against my children and I is enough to have even more faith that God will turn this over to something new and make it right. What my sister so warfully communicated with a sick smile only supports my ping-pong theory of eternally 'flipping the soiled mattress of hate'...and I am NOOOO HATER, nor have I ever been and if it were not for professional set-ups and lies, I would never even feel the need to speak of myself defensively. I am made to improve, like everyone. I am not a prude but being a better person tomorrow than I am today is always my goal. I hope this for every person, especially my siblings.
Massive conflicts of chess board interest have put me in the position of 'not well-Attorneyed', but in the same way I believe in doctors who practice Medicine from a wholesome passion to heal, I believe in Attorneys who practice Law from a wholesome passion for truth...not to mention I rather get along with these types. I don't want to fight, but I also won't slip into that doormat, runt shell for anyone's ongoing convenience. Ironically, if my sister had simply apologized, I would have been open to a new relationship with her...but she chose to arrive as a tool; a weapon defending an entity that is simply 'too invested' to lose, regardless of right or wrong.
My love to all.
Time for a new mattress.
No comments:
Post a Comment