July 9, 2012
I'm awake and it's probably 2-3 A.M. …can't sleep so I thought I would write my spinning thoughts because they keep going around and around anyway-maybe if I catch them and put them away, they won't keep my mind so busy…even though I DID fall asleep at 7 P.M. so this is likely a normal waking hour for me, given the clock that I have adjusted to.
In my mind's abyss, I keep thinking about Helen Keller and her unlimited capacity to learn without the support of sight or hearing. Then I think of my own in tact 5 senses and I wonder how much farther along I might be if I had been born without one or two. Of course, I am grateful for my functional senses and I don't mean to devalue my experience by comparing my reality to anyone, but I have always had a deep fascination with Helen Keller-ever since I was child. I always wished-almost felt as if I actually had the opportunity to know her. "WA-TER!…WA-TER!…WA-TER!" I can see that scene from 'The Miracle Worker' perfectly, right now in my head. I remember thinking how lucky that little girl was to have parents who loved and supported her so much. She could have been put away like so many people but she was born fortunate.
Did she really learn multiple languages? Was she really such a scholar? When I think of senses and the migration they have the ability to take into areas most people never illuminate to, I feel a strange envy for where that woman existed, kind of like envying the life of an Astronaut. I know there is so much more to see..so does Andrea Bocelli. When he sings, he carries so much more than sound…so does Stevie Wonder. They both carry sight for any blind soul and the place it comes from is clearly deeper than the 5 senses.
I think of Mark Twain (as usual, love that guy!) and his trip through Europe and the Holy Land. He quips about the bones of saints-the wood from the Holy Cross…countless pieces of it claimed as authentic and on display throughout Europe's churches that if combined, could build a cross the size of Noah's Ark! Then I think of the programs I have watched on T.V. about Helen Keller…a few years ago on KQED there was one in particular that documented her deep study of alternative philosophy and religion…then the other night at 'jail church', one of the visiting ladies pointed out that Helen Keller was a devout Christian and faithfully spoke on behalf of the church.
I think like wood from The Cross, every faith would like to adopt the past as it's solid foundation; not that anyone is lying. I think the desire to believe is strong enough to make it true, no matter who is staking the claim. I wonder what Helen Keller would think of this-or Mark Twain, who was a very Godly man…I think!
It's funny. I paused for 5 minutes to lay back here and during that pause, as I was imagining Helen Keller, I suddenly became acutely aware of every little buzzing sound, from the fluorescent lighting to my inner ears…a harmony of buzzing from the conscious to the subconscious, like everything we either notice, or don't notice-all together at once. Silence has never been so noisy. Just in this moment I am noticing that there is so much more to consciousness.
I still have so much to learn and do in my life. Maybe knowing this has kept my spirit young through so much experience I have consciously chosen to remain unconscious to…so much experience that could have made me old way before I ever had the chance to fully live. I feel my opportunity to live is coming now, like I'm crossing a threshold. Either that or it's the middle of the night and I'm just confused(o: Something I know for sure is that God is here. I can only imagine that both Helen Keller and Mark Twain figured that out. I know this so I don't have to worry about whose story is true or whose cross is real. God is real and alive through every sense.
…Now I am laying here thinking, "I was in jail!". Of course, I am still here as I write this, but I am seeing myself in my mind---after this, sitting back and realizing, "I was in JAIL!"! It's a lot to fathom and I know there will be that moment when it will hit me that I actually went to jail-Me! Shelly Pisciotta! A good deed doer! Wow! I think it's kind of hitting me right now. Oh my God! I went to jail! I mean, I'm in jail! Me! Shelly Pisciotta! Wow! Oh my God! This is not right.
Breathe.
One thing I can say about this experience is that aside from the regular meals that can often be difficult to eat because they are horrible, I have twice enjoyed the most delicious chocolate brownie I have EVER tasted-and it's not just because I'm in jail that I have this opinion-it's really that good of a brownie. It's so chewy, chunky, chocolatey, yummmmm, so good. I can admit it's even better than my own and that's a lot for me to admit. I didn't think brownies could GET better than mine(o: I just KNOW it's someone's special recipe. That brownie is a secret recipe brownie if there ever was one-WOW. I wonder what Helen Keller would think of this...or Mark Twain. Well, not really. They wouldn't care, most likely...or would they? Hmmm. God, give me rest. Does not making sense count as going without certain senses and does this set me apart intellectually? I wonder what Helen Keller would think(o:
I will also say that (and maybe this IS because of jailhouse deprivation), summer fruit has never tasted sweeter to me. Apples so sweet and crunchy-like juicy candy explosions in the mouth…oranges like I have never experienced…pears like pears should ALWAYS be! Willy Wonka couldn't even design fruit this scrumdidliumptuous. A piece of summer fruit here is an intimate moment to be had and not to be disturbed by anyone. I save each piece for the perfect moment to be enjoyed. I haven't had one in a few days and I'm beginning to feel a little frustrated, actually. Dried fruit is worthy of some praise here, as well. It tides me over, especially if I combine it with peanut butter in place of jam…kind of relatively delicious in it's own way! I might even do this at home if it doesn't cause traumatizing flashbacks. If I weren't so tired, I would bring up the cinnamon rolls…but they deserve more than a final mention.
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