July 6, 2012
Because I refused the T.B. test during the mandatory 2-week physical that consisted of recording my weight, blood pressure and asking me how many pregnancies I've had and when was the last time I had an HIV test, I was later called for an unexpected chest X-Ray. When I first objected, explaining that my health care is my choice, I was berated that this was procedure when an inmate signs to refuse the skin test and though I would have appreciated this information about procedure when I was signing the refusal, I reluctantly agreed…especially after the female Deputy suggested that I should be taken by force after I respectfully and intelligently spoke my legitimate concern.
I will remark that some of the Deputy Guards are respectful and professional, but some…well some are clearly sadistic and obviously find a sick thrill in dominating and humiliating another woman. It's probably perfectly natural in these kinds of 'Lord of The Flies' society underworlds…Science. However, if I were a doctor and these people were my patients, I would want to put some of these Deputies on psych meds for uncommon aggressive behavior and call it NOS (which stands for 'not otherwise specified' and is given to confusing disorders with no diagnosis yet).
I settled down and agreed to get the X-Ray, only because I thought it would be a good idea after all and I cooperated fully and cheerily, even. I was taken with 'Dahlia' (another name change) and two other female inmates from a different 'pod'. We marched down long, sterile hallways …always staying on the right and stopping at the corners (this is how you do it because this is what they tell you to do) until we finally arrived back at 'the tank'…the minimalistic room I became so familiar with when I first arrived. I was half expecting flashbacks of THAT experience, but I decided to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative…the whole song, I kept it playing in my head! We were left there for about an hour, along with a woman who had been arrested for drunk driving.
I kept my positive attitude throughout the experience, even in the company of a young inmate (not Dahlia), whose degree of ignorance and trash mouth truly set her apart from some of the worst I have seen here. I am proud to say that I didn't allow her to bother me at all, even as she was trying diligently to do just that. I feel as if I am really developing the mind strength and ability to separate my emotions from the energy of others, while maintaining my focus and joy.
This whole experience is very much a kind of unexpected 'training' that some might CHOOSE to participate in, if only for the character building, therapeutic spiritual and cerebral challenges that are offered here. I feel an odd and authentic appreciation for these challenges, including what I have experienced with some of the nastiest of Deputies and inmates, alike. I learn how to manage me and test myself to stay 'even keel' through every bit of traumatic stimulation I receive here. I know that somehow this is an investment and sometimes I pretend that this is a 'Survivor' kind of seminar and I have paid good money to be here, so I am going to get all from it that I can. Can't be that far off from a real inner city kind of Ashram, can it?
Perspective is the most important piece of anything. I could easily HATE this, every second of every day. I could write a book of what is simply not right, not fair and I could begin with the very fact that I was even arrested in the first place. Instead, I choose to pay attention to the circumstances and reflect. I see the challenges like an Olympic course and I consider myself a champion through it all. I will become my very best because I take it all as education…Philosophy, Physiology, Spirituality, Psychology, Physics, Math. I take each day and translate it into what I can apply to my own improvement and growth. All that has been designed to take from me will only strengthen me in every way. It's what I choose and I will not waver.
I have experienced epic tolerance, shoulder to should with epic lack of tolerance. I have foregone fear to absorb what I see and hear. I learn and appreciate, I feel love for every person here-I feel hope for each soul. I secretly wonder what it would be like to spy into the lives of so many of these broken women in ten years. I so hope they overcome-EVERY single one.
Back to 'the tank'…The Deputy came to retrieve us and led us down a hall where an X-ray Tech was set up in what was about the size of a small cloak room. We had our photo shoots and then we were returned to 'the tank' for another hour. Dahlia is so damned popular in this place, she was socializing with both rooms of men on either side of our 'tank' cell-yelling her information to several close friends of her family and one of them even asked for my booking number so he could write me letters…it was a huge compliment, though I passed on the request...for me it's a time and place kind of thing.
Dahlia knows SO many people here, I felt like we were walking down the red carpet surrounded by Papparazzi, rather than a jailhouse hallway to the X-Ray machine! No joke! She was having so much fun, too-as if she was at a party, seeing all of her closest friends, laughing all the way. She has a GREAT attitude, however different than what I consider my own great attitude. We are all different and it takes all kinds, as they say. If everyone had a great attitude like Dahlia but in his or her own way, then the world would be one big, beautiful menagerie of great attitude!
Dahlia has 5 children and clearly loves them very much. They are the topic of almost every conversation I've had with her and it's such a breath of fresh air in a place where most moms don't even seem to know where their children are or who they are with. I pray for Dahlia's success and that she never comes back, though I imagine some of her friends here might find some disappointment in that!
Eventually the Deputy returned for us but as we shuffled down the hall, he smoothly dropped the 'bad seed' inmate into a very yucky holding cell before bringing the rest of us back to our pods. I think maybe they listen to the conversations that go on in 'the tank' because she was being incredibly foul and disrespectful-not just towards me, but also towards the Deputy who brought us-who, as it turned out, was one of the kinder, more gentle types.
I felt proud of myself that in the moment I decided to go with the X-Ray and change my perspective, no matter how rough the experience was…it was a breeze to smile through it and a hugely liberating relief to know that I can! I do not take any of this as a setback. My life is becoming amazing, right here-right now. I will thank the roughest and meanest of Deputies when I leave here. I don't think they know how much they have given me in all they tried to strip.
Through the injustice, I notice a perfect balance on the large scale…especially when it comes to 'fairness'. There is something divine to observe here, like anywhere. Life really IS fair. I am gaining tools I have always longed for. The pain I do not feel and the love I soak up from even the air that surrounds me, however stale. I deserve to find this joy because I know I DESERVE joy, not punishment so regardless of time or place, It is finding ME!
The unique tools I am gaining have been no small challenge to retrieve. This makes me think of a broomstick that is caught high in the barbed wire that surrounds the rooftop 'yard' where we go for fresh air and exercise for one hour, 3 times a week.
When I see the broomstick, I feel like Dorothy who has been set to task by an ordinary man behind a curtain to retrieve it from a fear-wielding wicked witch…all in trade for my release. Even as I am still here, I have figured out that I am finally home; a safe place inside of me where I find the courage of a lion who is no longer a coward and the heart of a tin man who loves the world. (If I only had a brain…hehehe!)
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