Throughout my journal, I wrote about certain people I met while I was a prisoner there. I will share those entries, but I have changed their names for their privacy. I will never forget some of these individuals…the interesting, wonderful characters who crossed my path. This next entry is about a woman with a heart like a prism…in all of her 'lostness', she reflects a certain wisdom that is found there. I think I will rename her 'Clara', for the clarity she seeks.
July 2, 2012
Monterey County Jail
The first morning I woke up here (well actually it was the second because the first was while I was still being held in the 'tank', as I've learned it's called…more about that experience later), the first thing I remember is spying from under my blanket at an inmate who was on her 'hour', touching my breakfast at my door slot because I left it there, untouched. Breakfast arrives here at 4 A.M., by the way. I didn't expect I would be staying here for more than a few days at the most and I was intending a hunger strike for the duration, on principle that what is happening here is a crime. I heard the woman say, "ungrateful bitch" as she surveyed my food. I could tell she wanted it. At that moment, spurred by fear of creating enemies in a place I have heard is a bad place to create enemies, I popped my head out and told her in a most gracious and friendly way, "Please take it, it's a gift!". She was startled and her tone changed entirely and she said in a sweet and hopeful voice, "Are you sure?" and I said, "Please, please…it's a gift!". This was my first conversation with Clara and my first experience with social meal dealing around here. The way food moves to those who want it is probably some kind of beautiful, synchronized dance if watched from a distance…an intelligent design of give and take like a big, horizontal paper bag and plastic wrap moving snowflake!
Clara has been to this jail countless times over the last 35 years. She is appreciated by even the meanest of Deputies and she jokes that there should be an honorary 'suite' dedicated to her in Lockdown…like me, she likes her 'own space'. I chose to be put in Lockdown when I arrived here because unlike the 'open pod', each inmate is given her own space, however cramped that space happens to be.
A few of these rooms are double occupancy which can be hit or miss, all depending upon who winds up in the other bunk, otherwise there is a great deal of privacy. The only trade for this convenience is each room is only given 1 hour per day to shower, watch television and walk in small circles for exercise. The remainder of each day is spent confined in the cell. I do not mind this in trade for not getting picked on elsewhere. I've heard the stories..they're not pretty and I'm rusty when it comes to gangster etiquette. Here in my space, I feel relatively safe and I read about 14 hours a day so most of the time, I am transported somewhere else. I have never appreciated books so much in my life as I do here in this gulag.
Clara seems to have lived a carefree life of playing…not caring about tomorrow but truly, she lives a spiritual existence and in my opinion, she battles with drugs and alcohol because she lives on the cusp of multiple realities-she 'sees' and she tries to numb herself to all she sees, I think. She sticks up for herself and defensively communicates that she has a light that surrounds her (as if it's not obvious) and about a man who told her this once-a man who grew up on an Indian Reservation, as she explained, who was 'taken' by her energy. I can easily see her depth without her big explanation. Many may dismiss her as a 'drunk' or somewhat crazy, but I see her.
She is a delicately framed, older than her years woman with the face and eyes of a classic fortune teller! If I were a Director, I would cast her as a Gipsy…she would be GREAT! She claims to be a Disciple of God and when she defensively told me this, I softly responded, "I think you are, Clara.". For all I've experienced, I think she must be. To have maintained such a beautiful heart of faith and a witty sense of humor through so many years of pain and still have the desire to share God with those who don't know Him yet-She is a Disciple of God.
The moments when she becomes flustered and defensive about this don't suit her true personality. I can tell these moments are what she's developed through being too sensitive to the judgement of others who have probably challenged and dismissed her in the past. She openly and shamefully shares her chronic problems with drugs and alcohol, as well as her other mistakes and her opinions of those mistakes…her clearly horrible behavior when she is very drunk in public and her tendencies to get physical and beat people up, rather than walking away when confronted. This is hard to imagine because she is a very small woman. She is like a floating butterfly who walks like a 7-foot gangster, fisted hands and all! It's quite a sight! She is tiny and giant at the same time. Some people pull this off.
One thing that is for sure, her heart is giant and so is her spirit. I hope Clara is taken care of for the rest of her life. I hope someone takes her under their wing so she is free to be happy and never afraid of anyone or anything taking advantage of her vulnerabilities. I hope she is free to be the Disciple of God she chooses to be without any worries and I hope she gets new teeth. Such a great smile with those sparkling eyes…she has the energy to light up a room. If that woman organized her head and had a major makeover she would be a knockout and men would be at her feet in no time…I would just hope that she would pick the best one!
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